Wampeters come and wampeters go

This is the stupidest breakup ever.

I changed my mind about this breakup being probably for the best in the long run.  In hindsight maybe that will probably be true, but right now I’m pretty sure this breakup is super dumb.

I did something dumb last night.  I was depressed about Kermit and my legs were hurting from limping and I was just generally stressed out and sad.  Then Mike texted me and asked how my toe was doing.  Then he texted again to say that he was getting off work early and school hadn’t started yet, school starting being the point of reference for the timing of our breakup, though we had said our goodbyes on Saturday afternoon.  So I texted back “Yes” because I really kinda needed it.  I knew it was a bad idea, but I didn’t care.

And now it is SO OBVIOUS to me that he still really wants to be with me, badly.  Last night, the way he …  uh, nevermind … the endless patience for my sobbing into his shoulder (which he’s been really understanding about the whole week), the tender, apologetic look on his face and the “I know”s as I kept calling him a stupid jerkface and equivalent insults while we held each other close.  I guess I knew it before but hadn’t realized how much, caught up in my own little world of self pity because he was breaking up with me and it was not really mutual—I didn’t and still don’t see why it has to be now, so his regrets about it didn’t register that deeply.  But now I clearly see it’s not even one-sided, because neither of us actually wants this.  So now I’m just mad (well, not just, I’m a lot of other things too).  This is so stupid.  We make each other really happy and we both want to be together, but we can’t because 7 years from now I want to have babies?  It would be one thing if one of us were moving away for 6 months (study abroad?  Going to Antarctica, like he might actually do in September?) or actually holding each other back from something, but what is he holding me back from?  OK Cupid dates?  The hand of fate setting me up with my true love?  Right now it seems like the only thing he is holding me back from is the one thing in my life that could be going pretty okay.  We both had been so lonely and messed up about relationships for so long before each other, I don’t understand why we have to go back to that already, when neither of us actually wants to.  So I am really upset and pissed off at him about it, while at the same time knowing that he really is trying to do what he thinks will be best for both of us.  It makes me want to punch him, while at the same time I feel bad because he’s hurting a lot too, and also feels like a jerk for forcing this on me.  I don’t feel guilty, just, I know he’s suffering too even though I’m mad at him.

And I am already tired of people telling me it really is all for the best, even though they’re repeating back to me what I’m trying to tell myself, because they always add something about how I’m too good for him.  I mean, conceitedly, I know on some level that’s true, but I also think that his fantasticness is underappreciated, and it just seems like people are ragging on him in a way they couldn’t while we were dating, and I don’t like it and it doesn’t make me feel better at all.  Even though I’m pissed at him for the whole thing right now.

Because this is stupid.  This is one thing in my life that really doesn’t have to suck and yet is the worst.

  1. giraffesgiraffes posted this