Wait, let’s do this in pop quiz form:
Q: Whose job is it to protect children from bullying?
A. Teachers and administrators, by making it clear that bullying is never acceptable and will result in punishment.
B. Bullies, by showing self-control and choosing more positive ways of expressing themselves.
C. Victims, by not being so weird, gross, and/or freaky.
If you answered C, congratulations! You are qualified to serve on the Suffolk, VA school board.
It suddenly occurs to me (and seems so simple that it may be something obvious that I just never picked up on that the rest of the world already knew) that one effect of having a single payer or universal health care system would be a less litigious nation. If people weren’t faced with astronomical medical bills that they couldn’t pay for I bet the number of lawsuits would drop dramatically, thereby increasing the efficiency of the judicial system, without significantly decreasing the incentives to not commit tortious acts all that much because actors would still risk being sued for other kinds of damages like property, lost wages, pain and suffering, wrongful death, etc.
Of course, I’ve done absolutely zero research on how this actually works out in countries with different health care systems than we have here in the US or if there are any studies addressing this issue (I bet there are) since I thought of it a second ago, but it seems like a logical cause and effect to me.
Am I missing some obvious reason why this wouldn’t be the case?
I confess, as I go through this whole “should we move in together” thought process, right after the “should we get back together” thing, I have had some embarrassing google searches (Google: the Magic 8-ball of my generation). But virtually all romantic/sex advice on the internet (including from trusted sources) makes me realize that I am blessed in so many, many ways. Physically, I have some things easier than most women to begin with, and I’ve found a partner who matches me very well. And he is sweet and good to me and we get along, have a great time, and are extremely comfortable with one another. We fight extremely rarely (and we stay on topic and aren’t mean), we broke up basically over commitment and babies and it took him very little time to realize commitment and possibly babies with me was 10,000x better than being not with me. And he has the best dog in the world. And he accepts my request that he wrap raw meat up when he puts it back in the fridge rather than letting it sit there exposed in it’s styrofoam tray when we are living together. He’s a much better/healthier cook than I, and he is not so great at cleaning dishes, so we have those responsibilities worked out.
The beard looks nice. And it’s way blonder than I expected. Yes, there are a few greys, but it is mostly his regular light brown with a bunch of blonde. I’ve taken to calling him “Beardy,” “Blondie,” and “Fuzzface.”
Several different options have evolved at this point, the most ideal one being moving into a 1br apartment in my complex as soon as one opens up on the 2nd floor for just a unit change fee and pet deposit, but I’m pretty sure some way some how I will be sharing space with a man and dog within a few months, and paying at least $225 less in rent than I do now (added bonus, not primary motivation)
This is bad. This is terrible. But I want to make sure that people also remember, when they read about this travesty, that Texas, and I believe Florida and Arizona as well, already have bills just like this. And while there has been an injunction on the one in Texas while it’s in court, a judge has lifted that injunction. So while Virginia is trying to make this happen, it is already happening in Texas.
If I get pregnant in the next 3 years and it doesn’t get overturned by SCOTUS, this WILL be my experience. And it is fucked up.
Because I latch on to things and obsess about them, I’ve been reading “should we move in together” and “what to think about before you move in together” articles. Aside from the super religious ones about how living in sin will make my inevitable (ha!) marriage* terrible and about “why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free,” the worst I’ve seen so far is this:
You will be privy to all of her behavioral ups and downs, day in and day out. How would you react if she walked around the house with no underwear on? Although your initial reaction may be to jump for joy, think again.
Is this the sight you want to be exposed to while you are watching television? Once again, you may think that this sounds delightful, but this will eventually lose its sexual appeal because when something is always in your face, it no longer remains unattainable and, thus, becomes less desirable.
The point of sex is to enjoy something sacred that is not readily available at any time of the day. Once you are in the bedroom with your lady, you are simply imagining her vacuuming or washing the dishes in her “Eve” outfit. Not so appealing anymore, is it?
Emphasis mine. It’s funny, I thought sex was about enjoying your body and your partner’s body, and your feelings for them whatever they may be, whenever you both are available, together, and in the mood. I’m pretty sure I’ll still enjoy Mike cooking in just a robe that doesn’t tie even if it happens daily, which I’m fairly certain it does, and it won’t affect my sexual attraction to him. The mystery is gone but mystery is never what it was about. While that’s probably what I should expect from clicking on a link from AskMen, it makes me sad that attitudes like that are what is thought
A lot of them also say “make sure you talk about how much sex you’ll be wanting or expecting.” I’m thrilled to be in a relationship (a rare one if the internet is any indication) in which mismatched libidos is not a problem.
*The marriage that is unlikely to happen between me and anyone unless the legal and financial pros far outweigh the extra complications of separating if necessary, which they probably never will since I am a reasonably successful law student so far and I like poor dudes with histories of mental instability. Yeah, I don’t see the marriage pros ever making sense for me.
Except that it’s way better. Part of me is still a bit hesitant, because hey, the dude did break up with me. But since that experience made him break down his walls, things have been incredibly amazing. I mean, it was great before, but being with a guy who not only loves me but is very aware of that fact and expresses it verbally and otherwise is mind-blowing.
So here’s where I tell you how nuts we are. It’s been less than a week since we got back together and we are already talking way too seriously about our mutual fantasy of moving in together. It’s crazy, right? But crazy never felt this good.
Somebody slap me.
Fortunately there are lots of things that would have to be figured out before this could happen (breaking his lease, a 1br unit in my complex opening up, etc.), so we can’t jump in too too quickly. It would be less expensive for me to do, and I would save more money since my rent is already higher (my moving expenses would pay for themselves in savings in a month or two, while his expenses could take 6 months depending on the penalty for breaking his lease), and if we broke up I’m the one that would be able to afford the apartment alone if I had to so I wouldn’t have to move and he would. It’s a lot more complicated for him, so we’ll be taking some time about it.
“Most of all, I am tired of knowing. Knowing that my eyes have been opened, and that what has been seen cannot be unseen. I am tired of knowing it, when I see something that is wrong. I am tired of knowing that only speaking out can change it. I am tired of knowing exactly how hard and scary it can be to do so. I am tired of knowing that if I am not careful, the fight will eat up my hope and strength, and leave me only with bitterness. I am tired of knowing that I can never turn back to not knowing. I am tired of knowing that despite my fears and exhaustion, I am a feminist. No, I don’t want to be a feminist anymore – today.
Tomorrow? Tomorrow I think I’ll try again.”—
No one knows the details of your relationship except you and your partner. There is so much feeling and private moments that no one else sees. Barring brainwash or abuse (obv not the case here), you need to trust what you feel is right.
I trust it. I just don’t like the part where other people don’t trust my trust in it, and will give me shit for making what they feel is a bad decision, or will be bad at hiding the fact that they want to give me shit for making what they feel is a bad decision. It’s not going to make me distrust the decision, and I know that I can’t change the way they feel and that they feel it because they care about me, but it still really bothers me.
I went on a date with Mike on Saturday night. We decided to do something fun and lighthearted before all the serious talk, given how intense things have been lately. We went to the local BYOB pinball arcade and had a pretty good time. I got him to play both DDR and Guitar Hero for the first time.
36 intense hours later, after talking and sleeping and hanging out and taking the man to buy 2 pillows to replace the 1 nasty dog-chewed one and to go with the nice new bed set he got for his birthday and even some studying propped up on a pillow specifically chosen in my preferred firmness with a dog curled around my feet and a man with a flu induced fever passed out next to me, I came home this morning to shower and change before school.
So yeah, I’m giving this thing another shot. Except this time I’m with a more open, communicative, and emotionally present dude, who has realized that putting up barriers and limitations on his personal relationships is not what he wants.
And maybe that sounds cliche, and I seem naive for believing in his emotional transformation. But I do believe it. I can’t explain my reasons, but I have them.
I know there are people in my life who don’t care if the nature of our relationship has changed, who don’t care that it’s no longer outside the realm of possibility for this relationship to get much more serious (these conversations, they were intense), they’ll always think it was good while it lasted the first time but it’s time to move on, because they think I deserve better than him, or younger, or more successful.
I don’t like being “that couple,” the one that broke up but couldn’t resist getting back together even though there are so many reasons that it could still go wrong anyway and I really hate having to justify this decision to people, yet still feel the need to do so.
But the thing is, the only thing you need to know, is that I love the guy, he loves me (with an intensity that kind of freaks me out, in a total role reversal for us, the woman who was hallucinating breaths into “I love you”s at one point and the man who never said it until the night he broke up with me, with an “I mean, I love you, but …” and now can’t stop saying it), we have a great time together, we feel comfortable and safe with each other, and we take care of each other. He may not have always been good at sharing his thoughts and feelings, but he is now and he’s always been honest. We rarely fight, and when we do neither of us is mean. I think I’m doing pretty okay with my choice of relationships.
So whatever. Haters gonna hate. I just wish the haters didn’t include one of my best friends and my family. Especially when the friend has made the same decision with a really toxic dude and may have gotten from me a sigh, an “are you sure?” and an “I mean, I get it, not like I haven’t been there and made that mistake, just be careful” instead of the pure disgust and nastiness I just got sort of slapped with, more than I expected and much much more than I deserved. I love that lady but sometimes she’s a bit of a jerk and I want to yell at her. But I know her and I know it won’t fix anything, or at least, I’m not ready for that confrontation.
Ugh, and eventually I have to tell my mother. When I told her he wanted me back before I had decided she said “NO! Remember Alan?” and I became speechless and upset because Alan was a liar, an asshole, and I’m pretty sure a cheater, but oh so charming, and I was young and stupid and I just loved him so much, and that is not at all what happened here. Well, except for the “and I just loved him so much.” And the “but this time he’s changed!” Except there never was any evidence of change with Alan, just the promise of it, and like I said, I’ve got my proof this time even though I’ll never share it.
I’m secure in my decision, but the telling people sucks because I know exactly what they’re thinking—I’ve thought it about other people that get back together with exes. And I know people just want me to be happy and not get hurt but sorry, I’m the one who gets to make the gambles on which decisions are most likely to make that happen.
And there’s this: we got back together just this weekend and I’m already concentrating better in school and I actually got past my anxiety blocks and applied for a job today.
On the one hand, I worry that I’m not really ready to go for things with Hayden. On the other, I do really like him, and I know that if I don’t just go for it, I never will be ready, I’ll just keep hooking up with Mike whenever I’m lonely and never move forward.