“What the f*** are you doing? Going to bed at 6 am is unacceptable. Last night it was 14 hours of sleep, night before it was 2, and now it’s morning and you have wake up soon-ish to finish studying, take a test, finish a paper and then study for a different test. What is wrong with you? We demand better treatment! And you have started talking to yourself. Oh wait, that is not at all new.”—My body and brain, in reference to my sleep schedule, my procrastination, and my lack of exercise in the last week and a half because of exams.
I am not a person of strong convictions, big plans, or specific goals, beyond enjoying what I do, and being good at it to some degree, be it academics, extracurriculars, or randomly taking up instruments (now adding banjo to guitar, piano, percussion, and a little trombone—all decided spontaneously and because the opportunity arose). I tend to follow my whims and impulses, and once I commit, have trouble up and quitting things, though occasionally pursuits grow dull and gradually fall by the wayside. This flexibility and spontaneity has led me to a variety of fantastic experiences throughout my life, and contributed to a history and personality that people beyond myself seem to like, though it has also contributed to my awkwardness and some misadventures. Options are sometimes a problem for me, because I don’t want to miss out, but sometimes there is more than one good choice and you can’t have both. And then sometimes a choice seems good, but it turns out badly, and in hindsight the other would have been better.
These personality traits are not conducive to planning my future. Or even choosing a future for the next 2 years. Today, I want to do Teach for America in Hawai’i. Yesterday, I wanted to travel the country helping people rebuild their homes after natural disasters, the day before, I wanted to clear trails in the woods of the Mountain States, the day before that I wanted to move to New Mexico, and before that I was set on Seattle.
Winter break will be full of applications for me.
The question is, what will I want to do on the day that I have to decide?
whatkindofgirl just asked me if I named my blog after the band Giraffes? Giraffes! which her brother is into. I didn’t. To clarify, I named my blog after a children’s book my roommate and I and some of our mutual friends were a little obsessed with at the time of the blog’s birth. Apparently my friends and I read the same ridiculous book as the band did.
When I do have dreams, they are usually too convoluted and bizarre to describe, too disturbing or conversely too boring to share, or involve having devastating shouting matches with my family about one thing or another (usually my mom or sister or both, but my dad makes appearances sometimes too) in which we end up hating each other forever until I wake up. Those are the worst. I used to have totally messed up recurring nightmares throughout my childhood about monsters that caused me to be afraid of the dark until I was 14. I am still afraid of dark houses where everyone is asleep but me. Not buildings, just houses. Especially walking upstairs after turning off the lights downstairs, so my back is to a dark stairwell.
Last night I had a relatively normal dream. I suddenly remembered that I had enrolled in an Astronomy class this semester, but had forgotten about it after a couple weeks of skipping class, so I had missed any assignments or quizzes throughout the semester and now, to save my GPA, I had to read the whole textbook and study like crazy for the final, which I hadn’t accounted for when planning my studying and paper/thesis writing schedule for the week, especially since I dislike science at more than the practical and conceptual level (as in, when math gets involved).
They sent my shoes next day air at no cost to me, and I chose the Asics/Onitsuka Tigers. They are hot. However, nothing can ever truly replace what I now regularly refer to as my hobo shoes, those magical shoes that were the most comfortable shoes I ever wore from the second I tried them on in the store and even now, but they are too close to becoming scraps of leather, mesh, and rubber to wear anymore.
Found some shoes that I liked on Zappos, and I bought them to replace the ones I’ve been wearing for probably 3 years, which I have been meaning to replace but I have so much trouble with my big feet and my love for these perfect shoes which I’m pretty sure Puma made only one pair of because I have never been able to find them anywhere since the day I bought them. I just couldn’t justify it any longer. They have started coming apart at the seams and there is a big hole in the shoe. My toes stick out. Since the weather is cold, I can no longer wear what have become hobo shoes. So I bought these new Pumas. (I wish I had a camera so I could show you the state of the old ones.)
Then, I was browsing clearance a little later, and I found some Asics that I liked EVEN BETTER.
They even look basically like a green version of these blue Pumas I have worn into the ground. I wasn’t sure how Asics fit me and I felt bad making 2 orders in one day, but hey, free shipping both ways so I could return either pair, or both! But then I realized that my sister already has THOSE EXACT SHOES, of course. She already has most of the cool things that I want. I got in trouble for unintentionally getting the same glasses as she did once. There is still just a bit of that “Ew, don’t copy me” thing going on between us. But of course, since she is my older sister, she was fundmental in the development of my conception of cool, even though she pulls it off way better than I do. So we have similar tastes, and this happens to me a lot. But hey, new Pumas.
But maybe I should just get the Asics anyway. My sister lives in Seattle, and she hardly ever wears this type of shoe, whereas I wear shoes like this every day until they become hobo shoes and I just can’t do it anymore because one day soon I will end up walking barefoot on the street when the uppers seperate from the sole.